25 June - Well Done LL

LL took part in the Shape/OFC Challenge today at the Westin Hotel. 2mins of squats, proper squats. 2mins is a long time ..... well done LL, you did it, inspiring us all. Especially the ones like me stood in the sidelines.

A blast from the past, and we bumped into our original personal trainer from a few years ago. We gave him a hard time, and he really tried to get us to progress and get better but all we did was skive off and avoid the exercises. Though we did get better at the suicide runs, Im sure we did. He still inspires us now, though remembered by the dreaded beep test (we never did that properly either), but one day I will revisit that "mountain" in Safa Park, and run around it and see how Ive improved again. But I need to get back into the fitness more than once a week with Zaid, and increase the number of times I go walking around home. Though I think I need to go walking alone as I want to pick up the speed and break it up with some light running in between. Dont get me wrong, I enjoyed the walk last week, but it was too slow a pace for me. Will see how it goes tomorrow, but may leave the girls to that while I go back to my circuit around home and time myself walking and building up to running again.

Ive bought a MORE cafe spinach salad for lunch tomorrow, looking forward to that. After work its a walk with the neighbours. Then its salad chopping time and possibly some shopping for some quality chicken and beef for the last 4 days of lunches at the "zoo". Then Im free for 3 days (going to make the most of the days off, and do something new every day), and do some exercise each day, and sleep lots. This time next week, its the whole new me, a whole new era begins and boy its going to be a good one. Here I come! And this time next year I will be participating in the Shape/OFC Challenge however it wont be in the burpees challenge ...... will leave to those who think its fun and like it. Nutters the lot of them!

24 June - Apres Brunch

Ok technically its 25 June, but Ive missed the last 6hrs due to the apres lunch snooze. What a great brunch and fabulous people to celebrate their wedding with.

Impersonally still celebrating right now, because for the first time I did not overeat at a brunch! I had some prawns and mango salad (small portion), followed by another small portion of steak and Guinness pie, and some veggies from the salad buffet. And that was it food wise. In fact, I think thats why the alcohol I consumed did not get soaked up, and I ended up slurring directions home to the taxi driver. Thankfully, I made it to my apartment, immediately fell asleep, and woke up to realise I had in fact locked the front door .... and surrounded by all 4 kitties who thought their birthdays had come all at one, as they were on mummy's bed!

Ive just eaten some toast and feta cheese (the proper stuff) and I'm already on the electrolyte drink, thats going to help me tomorrow morning when I wake up. And I have a walk in the 40c+ heat, to my friends car, to drive to the airport to collect them ....

Im so proud of myself that I didn't obsess about over eating at brunch or feeling I was "depriving" myself by not, however it does have its drawbacks on the levels of control after the bubbles/beer! Oh and I did have some chocolate wedding cake too!

What a great weekend so far and Ive got one more day yet to enjoy. Happy weekending everyone : )

23 June - DepoProvera is the devils sister

Now, Im not one for getting on my high horse (ok maybe sometimes .... but usually connected to food, drink, family or friends!), and Im not one for letting other people get on their soap box either, but I gave in to LL when she told me a few times since January that someone she knew had been on the same injections as me, found out HOW bad they were for her from a medical professional, came off and lost lots of weight naturally and got her sanity back. THAT sounded appealing.

Depo Provera is a hormone injection (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depo-Provera), which I have been taking on and off (more on) for the last 9 years. It served its purpose, I liked it (still do), Im not into "womens" things, so would have preferred to be a boy on that count any day! Anyway, I always knew it had many side effects but the positives always outweighed the negatives. In the last few weeks, I met LL's friend and she told me how she had been told all the side effects and mostly relating to (1) weight gain, (2) difficulty in losing weight, (3) overly emotional/tearful (4) feeling like insanity is taking over, (5) losing the plot and not feeling normal. The damage this injection causes is sort of known but is mostly unknown, or still being debated. I googled and read, read, read but I gave up on this, as I thought the best conclusion is the results of not being on these injections, as told by someone who had come off them.

I went to meet this lady, LLs friend, and she told me since stopping the injections last year has (1) lost weight without dieting or exercising, (2) has gained control back over her emotions and is less tearful, (3) feels sane again, (4) has been reminded what feeling "normal" was, is, again. That was enough proof for me. At the time of this conversation I was due the next injection the following week. I had already 'sort of" decided not to have it, so deciding definitely not to carry on with the injections was easy.

Looking back, I feel not having the injections has helped me maintain the same weight for one month, which included an indulgent 1 weeks holiday in Greece, and not sticking to my diet plan. I even think that it has helped me last week lose that next 2.1kgs. And as long as I think this positive way, the weight loss will keep going. Even better, within 12 months or so, I would have rid my body of all the toxins and I will be 100% myself and 100% in control over my sanity, weight maintenance and emotions again.

In the meantime, I work on getting back to "normal" though I cant remember what normal feels like to be honest. Its the same as the right numb toes and foot, I cant remember what it feels like to NOT have numb toes and foot, Ive accepted the current situation as normal. But I know its not. I know I might have carried this weight around for a lifetime, but it doesnt mean its normal. A bad habit can be broken and replaced with a good habit. And there are some bad habits I want to kick for good.

I read something inspirational today and I have written these top 10 hints in my order of importance on A3 for my bedroom door, so I read it every day and I choose at least 3 of the tips to follow each day. They all make sense and I hope some of you may also find them inspiring in your quest to improve your day by day lives - http://www.ivillage.com/stay-well-secret-they-snag-quality-sleep/4-b-356253?nlcid=td|06-23-2011|#356252. Soon all 10 of these tips will become my new good habits.

Now, time for the weekend : )

22 June - Walk this way

So, I decided to force myself to keep moving, even if it wasnt hard core like bootcamp, that can wait til August. In the meantime, I have PT sessions with OFC Zaid, option to join Zumba (MissS, I WILL soon.....), and then there was the easy option of creating something on my doorstep. And thats exactly what I did.

I sent a message out to everyone who lives in my community, and 4 ladies replied. Today 3 of them joined me for a walk at 630pm, it was the perfect time for us all. I admit I DID drive my car to the meeting point, but only because I had 2 black bin liners full of big and old clothes to put in the clothes recycling bin. I have been stepping around those bags for weeks, maybe it was a subconscious way of holding onto the old me and the comfort of knowing those bigger clothes were there, in case I needed them. Now, there is no going back, they are gone. In the last 2 days I have worn 2 items that are seriously far too big for me, so I will start another clear our (someting I talked about last weekend and didnt do...). Time to move on properly, not hang to the past, no hoarding and keep having those therapeutic clear outs. I also dont have any more wardrobe space!

And back to the walking. I met 3 lovely ladies, all from different countries, 2 with children and one trying. me being the single one balanced out the group even further! We chatted, got to know each other, we didnt walk too fast, more of a stroll but most importantly, we were moving. And move we did for 1hr 15mins. We have also agreed to meet up again on Sunday early evening again, this time we may have our 5th member.

At one point, the Mirdif Runners ran past us, 3 men up front, 2 ladies further back. The 2 ladies smiled back at us, we all said together that we would be there one day... something to aim for. We walked my old running route, it looked different at a walking pace and I had a good old nosey. Very excited to see someone from SkyDive Dubai still lives around the corner, nice to be reminded of my new obsession, and something to remind me to be 90kgs the next time I jump out of a plane.

Yesterday at the weigh-in, I realised that I had set my weight goals according to my scheduled sky dives - (1) 100kg for my 1st in Dubai - done, (2) min 95kgs for Mauritius mid August but hoping to be closer to 90kg, (3) 85kgs for Sydney at New Year and (4) 80kgs for Thailand next May. it doesnt get any simpler than that. In the meantime, I just watch sky diving videos in the evenings to remind me of that 1t jump....sigh!

Tomorrow is Thursday, last day before the weekend. Friday is brunch day so there will be excess. Which means I need to keep moving and walk towards working off the bubbles and yummy food. Saturday I will watch the fit ones compete in the Shape Challenge. Go LL, I can feel your thighs hurting already!!! Good luck to all the OFC Crew, HUA!!

21 June - Bitter Sweet Beginning

Ok, it was a 2.1kg weight loss over the last 2 weeks. Whoop, I was pleased, but wasnt over the moon. Not over the moon as much as I should have been, as I know now what I COULD have lost if Id stuck to my eating plans. I have the next 2 weeks to correct this.

On the other hand, I stupidly hurt my right arm during my training session with Zaid on Sunday, and by the limited movement I now have with the associated pain, I know it was when I was struggling with the weights when straightening above my head. I was struggling and I now recall throwing my arms carelessly above me as I tried to completed that set. I think I know how NOT to do that again next time.

I have wondered if there are too many messages and hints that I should not be getting fit, and not be getting healthy and staying as I am, as I seem to be suffering more since I started this journey at the beginning of the year. But then I try and remind myself that there will always be challenges, no journey is without diversions or breakdowns, or calling out the recovery man (where is mine?), the original "no pain no gain", it will be worth it in the end, and wouldnt be as worthwhile if it was easy. I think I need to have that last sentence printed on paper and stuck up all around my apartment, so I dont forget.

However, I need to keep losing that kind of weight every 2 weeks, however our next meeting is in 3 weeks, which means the weight loss HAS to be 3kgs .............

Early rise tomorrow, back to more dry needling in my pirisomething muscle in my right butt cheek and some physio moves on my right leg. I might ask for some sneaky moves for my right arm, same side of the body after all. Night x

20 June - Wake me up before you go go ...

That would be wake me up before you go numb, you right arm you!!! I woke up mid sleep last night, thinking I had been sleeping on my right arm funny, as you do. On waking I discovered I had either strained or pulled a muscle and I already felt a few of the expected muscle pains. So soon?

As the day progressed the usual pain in different parts of my arms, then the thighs then the stomach all appeared like clockwork. I wasnt anticipating it to come on so fast or as painful as it did, as I only did a "light" session with OFC Zaid last night. And the right arm was difficult to straighten. Will see how it goes by Wednesday. LL recommended to follow RICE - rest (Im right handed and using a computer all day ..... not to mention driving and shopping and cleaning etc), ice (not in the office or the fridge at home and I didnt fancy sticking a frozen salmon steak on it, ice blocks werent flexible enough), compression (I forgot that bit ... maybe if I lie on it, it has the same effect?), elevation (ok ......?). Then I actually started thinking about eating rice, that progressed to Nasi Goreng from MORE Cafe, then there was a flashback of the spicy chicken rice at Yum, followed by thai green chicken curry WITH steamed rice. Im not quite in control of my mind yet as you can see. I ate my chicken salad for lunch ...

I missed my 3 goals today. I didnt climb the stairs up but I did climb them on the way down. I didnt have breakfast before I left home, I had it at my desk when I reached the office. I DID savour the taste of my chicken salad, now edible without any dressings, just black pepper and some other mixed ground herbs and spices. The only carb in there is some sweetcorn but thats in moderation.

I did my shopping for the next few days, all salad stuff and managed to get some non USA strawberries (they are still revolting), thankfully Holland came to the rescue, it WAS market day at Spinneys : ).

I had a sneaky special tea and some home made chocolate cake and a choc cookie this evening, perhaps not the perfect end to a healthy day, but it followed a healthy dinner with the lovely MrsT and hubby (the fab special team maker, thanks both). I thought that if I ate it thinking it wold do me good and it would not make me gain weight tomorrow at my weigh in, the positive thinking would ensure my body didnt hang onto the calories, at least not until after the weigh in at 6pm tomorrow. I will give that theory a try.

Ive had 3 responses to my community walking, so will get that set up going before the end of the week. Enough walking to stretch the sore muscles and speed up my metabolism to deal with the Friday brunch at the end of the week, ahead of positively healthy week ahead. As of today, only 7 working days left til I escape to a 3 day weekend and onto brighter days.

In the meantime, Im considering a pain killer for breakfast tomorrow!! Goodnight all, sweet dreams x

19 June - Lets get it on

Yesterdays planned personal training didn't happen, Mr Zaid OFC is a busy man and I was nice enough to not demand my session! So at 6am this morning Zaid sent me an sms asking me if I could make it at 830pm. I think I replied mid afternoon, I had to think about that one.

I was preferring the option of walking around my home instead, I had the day planned out (my one day at a time idea), so this was a tad off putting at first. Then through email communication with Jules from Mountain High (http://www.mountainhighme.com/News_info.html) I found some inspiration, perfect timing. She told me to do 3 things every day towards my weight loss goal, so I did - (1) drink more than 1.5l of water today (nearly 3l consumed), (2) stick to my allocated food/diet plan today (I did, yay), and (3) go to meet Zaid at 830pm and stop making excuses (done).

I will confess, I had to have a LLD - otherwise known as a little lie down. I used to live with someone who always had to have a LLD on a weekend. I had a 30min snooze before meeting Zaid; I needed it after the psychologically distressing day at the office (8 working days left until I actually escape from the zoo ....). I drove to Hercules Gym, and parked a little bit around the corner - more steps are all good. It was comforting to have a welcome wave from across the gym from Zaid. I was early so I was advised to get on the bike to warm up. Nearly 12 mins later I was ready. I was put through some basic work, and he understood my limitations with my lower back and right leg/foot. I lost my balance a number of times, and I was gobsmacked at how poor and weak my leg was. Not to mention how I struggled with the arm exercises with weights - I really should have kept up the weight work at home! Zaid was gentle to me, as this was my first 1hr of exercise in 12 weeks, more or less to the day. In fact it was 12 weeks ago I had that injection ....

As I finished I felt myself limp on my right leg, but not from pain or discomfort, just from weak and wobbly muscles. Walking or rather stumbling back to the car, I wondered if I could drive home ok, thankfully all was well as soon as I was sat down again. I got home and ate some cooked chicken I had prepared earlier, and then had some yogurt, honey and walnuts. I wasnt that hungry. I prepared my food quote for tomorrow, so that I can stick to the diet plan again. I remembered that if I prepare the night before, I stand a better chance of succeeding during the day ahead.

I know I am going to ache tomorrow, I know I am going to struggle, but as I was reminded today, if it hurts its worked. I may even meet my neighbours and walk around where I live to just keep moving. Zaid has advised the return to boot camp is more like August, but thats a goal I like the sound of. I need to lock myself away until I fly to Mauritius on the next holiday, so 2 times weekly with him plus some Zumba classes and in between lots of walking, I will reach my goal.

Tomorrow is another day, one day at a time. I have my food ready, I have my 3 goals ready - (1) eat breakfast at home when I wake up, (2) walk up and down the stairs at work, do not take the life and (3) enjoy and savour the taste of all the healthy food I have prepared. Keeping it simple LL, see, sometimes I can try!

The next goal is to have lost 2kgs on Tuesday with Andy at our twice monthly weighins ....... after which I will update you of my progress. Keep rooting for me, I need your positive encouragement, thoughts and energy. Thanks LL for your words, thanks Zaid for your encouragement, thanks MissS (I will see you in Zumba!) for keeping in touch and reminding me of the pain : ), and thanks Jules for the positive impact that your words had on me today, it changed my thinking and focused me on getting to the end of this day a success. THANK YOU

17 June 2011 - A setback is a setup for a comeback!

I read these words today when I woke up, and they have remained with me all day. I give all credit to Ruby Gettinger. For those who dont know who Ruby is, this is her blog - http://ruby-gettinger.blogspot.com/. Ruby is a show on TV, it makes great viewing and I am with Ruby every step. She is starting to participate in  bootcamps in the US, I would have joined her if I was living there. Oh, another option of location to add to my "Escape from Dubai" list.

Anyways, I have been in and out of what Im going to call mild depression - depression because when Im alone, I reach some very low lows, and Im finding it hard to pick myself up again, refocus, and stick to my healthy eating plan. Perhaps there is a lot to be said about the "happy hormones" when doing exercise. And of course I havent had any happy hormones for a long time. I did have a week of them in Greece with my Ma and Pa a few weeks ago and I was walking up and down hills and steps and managed to walk to the Acropolis in Athens too. I had one evening where I felt a little pain in my right side, and started to limp but I think that was more to do with the fact I had some inner stress at that time, that I think tensed the muscles and made the symptoms return, or worsen. So, I better stay relaxed then!

Im still very good at showing my "face" to the world, to family and close friends too - I talk too much as it is, but Im realising the over talking and over planning for the future, is a way of hiding the truth behind this face, and the daily realities. This face aint happy, no matter what you see on the outside. This face is frustrated, sad, angry, disappointed and angry at STILL being stuck around the 100kg mark, STILL being overweight, STILL being unfit, STILL way off my initial plans and targets from the beginning of the year.

My right foot remains mostly numb, Im not even sure any more whether its getting better, or if Im just getting used to it. I know that the longer it remains the numb, the less likely it is I will return to having a normal right foot and lower leg again. I fell off my roller skates last weekend and bruised my right "glute". I had a tantrum. I went back inside and did something else instead. I havent got strength in my right leg back (did I ever have it?), I dont have balance and the ability to use my previously strongest leg, and I get cramps by moving slightly or stretching. Its basically driving me slowly to the white coat brigade........

So, again, I have to get back on it. I have to re-do the beginning again. I tried to motivate myself by going through my skinny clothes last night and I am pleased to say that I have 16 new items in my wardrobe. So why did this not cheer me up longer than a few hours, why cant I reel from the positivity of this and keep going, why cant I see myself in the 2 pairs of shorts that remain in the skinny clothes box despite talking about them .... it all just feels like a pretence and as if I will always be stuck in this groundhog day and weight.

My motivator is still LL and I gave her 100% nagging rights as I sat at Athens airport on the way back from my indulgent weeks holiday. Amazingly I still weighed the same as the last weigh in with Mr Picken, the only reason I can relate to is related to something else - stopping the depo provera injections. More on that another day ...... But LL has been nice to me this month. Thanks  : )

So here I am, on the eve of a personal training session with the lovely Mr Zaid from OFC. A birthday pressie from LL. And this is something I really truly need, to release those happy hormones, to push me upwards out of this personal and lonely feeling of depression, to motivate me to keep moving and working on this right leg, to get me back to bootcamp from July onwards, to increase my metabolism and lose the fat. I am restricted to a lot of the moves as advised by my physio, as long as I can work out how to manage this at bootcamp and not cause any further damage or set backs, it can only be a positive move in the right direction. The direction that has been on pause since 23 March. Jeeeez, thats 12 weeks ago.

And that has been my setback.

And this is now my set up - to lose 10kgs before 19 August! Thats 9 weeks away, so thats just over 1kg a week. I need to ensure I write my diet plans as I now know I can. I need to keep the carbs down. I wish there was a magic potion or answer to curb the emotional and physical food cravings ........ just found Roca Labs and looking into this as a support for the next phase . Anyone had any experience of this?

And tomorrow I will let you know about my comeback.

By the time I dip my toe in the waters of Skiathos again in 2013, I will be at least 80kgs.....

But first, parasailing on JBR Beach for breakfast tomorrow morning .......