21 July - I need to stop being so busy ...

Part of my food diary is to add more structure, though today I didnt have any, so I was a bit mad with myself for this. So Ive resolved to put the planning on hold until Saturday, to make time to plan the week ahead and especially my trave/rip. At my appointment last night I was honest about my fear and weaknesses that may cause negative actions and behaviours. So at the weekend I will plan ahead and make sure there are only positives.

Work was really, really busy and I managed to squeeze in a late sandwich after a very long meeting with my boss. I ended up in Costa and as lunch had gone ages ago, there wasnt much selection left. I opted for the rye bread toasted cheese and ham sandwich. And I didnt even worry about the carb count, all I was interested in was having a "meal". I ran out of apples (idiot I am ) so I had one of my emergency Atkins bars instead. And then I didnt drink enough water. If I didnt have to work as well as sort my life out, it would all be so very much easier. Lottery ticket - need to send more cash to dad to get that restarted, Ive got to be in it to win it :).

I left work a little late, and I needed to get home to get ready for a night out with LL and her friends; I really need to get out there again, get my confidence back, stop being alone at home and get my mojo back once and for all. I got home, had to do the usual cat litter chores, cat puke cleaning, fold away dry clothes and put on some new washing. Then I had time for me - quick shower and change. I planned ahead that I would wear my old fave purple top, with some jeans. I chose the new jeans I bought in the UK early May. A little frustrating but due to the dodgy leg and numb foot Im still in flat shoes, however this time they were my lovely textured purple velvet flats. I added some big purple eyeshadow and makeup and I was good to go. I felt good but a little apprehensive as I wasnt hiding behind layers and bigger clothes. I had my shoulders out, but that was OK as Im feeling this is the most noticeable change. I wasnt sure I wold be confident in a top that didnt hide my belly and bum however I didnt have time to think about it, I had to get in that car. In the car to LLs, I was singing to my music, Ministry of Sound rocks.

I picked up LL and 2 of her mates and we headed out. It was a nice night, was nice to meet some new people, but I really felt out of place. I felt I was burden on LL. It wasnt really much to do with not drinking though there were some comments and amazed people when they realised I wasnt drinking - so nothing has really changed in that area of the social scene. I havent been out in so long Ive really become an anti-smoker. I used to smoke socially until about 7 years ago but it never bothered me this much before. Maybe its a sign I should move back to the Uk where smokers have no choice, rain or otherwise, to smoke outside. Ive turned into a nightmare! I tried to be good when it came to choosing my food. No salads. The healthier options were fish related and I have to be in a really fishy mood to eat it. So I opted for the cheese and cold cuts and some veggies on the side. It was nice food, but perhaps more cheese than I would have wished for. Yet there was still thin crisp breads. I still ate them, they were nice, I am normal tonight.

The girls were having a good time and laughing lots, and I began to wish I had been drinking too, at least to feel a little more relaxed, comfortable and confident. But all that diminished when I saw myself in the toilet mirror. I didnt like what I saw. now, I know I should have been over the moon that my newest jeans were big and not fitting, but not when I was wearing a shorter top than normal. This look was not flattering, then again with my belly and middle bits, not sure what look would be. Walking back to the girls I felt more out of place and I really wasnt happy. It was hitting 11pm and I would have gone home had it not been the fact I was there to try out LLs new fave bar, the bar where I will be supporting my adopted football team (theres a first!).

So, I went to the bar. OMG Ive definitely lost my mojo. I cant remember walking into a bar before and feeling frumpy and huge and just an oddball. I wish I had been drinking again. I wish I had some false confidence and silliness about me. Now I really felt a burden on LL and her friends were so lovely, but I lost all my confidence in myself and didnt know what to talk about or say. I had some water and then soon I was on my way home. As I walked to get my car, a young man said goodnight love, I shouted "night" back without looking back as I felt he was just taking the piss. I got in my car and started thinking thinking thinking. I wanted to shut of my thoughts but they were going nowhere. Had I ever enjoyed going out to bars and clubs? Yes there were a few times I had a great time and laughed lots, but were there more when I didnt? Was this my face taking over? Have I pretended to be an outgoing, bubbly happy person all this time? Have I pretended to enjoy going out drinking? I know I have never enjoyed going to a nightclub as I always feel like the odd one out, everyone else is so slim and fashionable and whatever I do to look good, never compares or comes to the same level of acceptance. I didnt have all the answers tonight. But I was gratfeul to be going out, and to LL and her friends for making me feel welcome. I just hope I didnt ruin the night for anyone.

There were a few tears, but I couldnt be bothered with self pity tonight, I just wanted to go to sleep. I had an Atkins choccie bar, wish I never bought them. At least I didnt stop off ant McDs on the way home. I avoided some old habits. I should be happy, but Im not. Uffffffffff gggrrrrrrr. Sleep please.

20 July - Important Appointment No 2

So, I was back to see my 3rd piece of the triangle, my newly found counsellor/psychologist. I was apprehensive as I didnt know what to expect. I had been filling in my food diary, and had started today to write it up on the computer, which was easier. I was also then able to add in the structure I had learnt with Andy. Walking in, I was overcome with emotion yet again, but not as bad as last weeks first session. I think the emotions have been there for a long time, but they have been hiding behind the "face" Ive worn for so long. I wouldnt say its a relief to have removed this face, but it feels like progress in itself that I have found the courage to take it off; although I know it will reappear a few times before it will finally leave me for good, its nice to get some air about myself!

I like this lady, she makes sense and I want to listen to her, I want this mess to go away so I can start living my life. After this session I realised I already had started living my life, just by being honest and open and deciding as an adult person that enough was enough. Im no longer a child, I dont want to be ruled by old bad habits or my subconscious. Enough already! Time to grow up at long last.

I was given a book to borrow, one I will be buying myself from Amazon (as long as the packaging is discreet!!). Looking at the cover its 100% applicable to me, Im liking this lady more and more. I feel she gets me. Im beginning to realise Im not as odd and unique as I thought I was. In fact Im preferring being a bit text book, that means there is a solution for life. For me.

Now I need to sleep, I feel exhausted ..............

19 July - Andy-Day

OK, so I kind of expected to be the same weight as least week if not slightly higher. These changes in "behaviours" are likely to mean a slight increase for a week or 2 but as long as I continue with the right and normal behaviours and I stick to Andy's principles, after this 1 to 2 weeks, I will be heading back down the scales again.

At the same time, the Depo-Devil has been trying to get out of my system and Im hoping that this "onset' will mean an additional weight loss in the week ahead. Hello Ms Stomach Cramps and Madam Bloating, I would love to say Im happy to have you back again but its been many many years and I havent really missed you. I know that might hurt your feelings but Im sure you will get used to it. So please keep your visit short and as drama free as possible. Much appreciated!

Today we had Kcal (http://www.kcalhealthyfastfood.com/beta/) visit our meeting with Andy and we sampled some of the lovely food on offer. Forget Lively, Health Factory, Right Bite and anything else that offers healthy food. Get to JLT and get some PROPER good healthy food on your menu. If only there were deliveries to my area (aka the dark side), I would be placing my order now, however I was pleased to hear there may be a possibility from 1st September.

In the meantime, ANDY, if I fit the criteria, please can I be one of the special chosen few to be part of the trials? If I dont, Im going to have to make some more frequent trips to JLT. Andre was honest, open, and gave his views, opinions from his experience about moving to a healthy life. Our male peer who we met today for the 1st time, we shall call him MrAye, has lost 18kgs since January, despite working in a difficult profession and non standard working hours. I think its easier for men to lose weight anyway, however, I was inspired by his success and I was saddened about my lack of such success. I so want to be the success I know I can be. ANDY, you know I need the Kcal healthy plan. Pretty please?

So here is my deal, I find a driver for Kcal (so I can get deliveries to the dark side) and I get you some low carb juice recipes and I can be on the trial?? : ). Perhaps I ned to book in a one on one in 2 weeks while the others are away, otherwise I look forward to my next weighin in 3 or 4 weeks!

And today I booked myself back into boot camp commencing Sunday 31st July. All I need now is for  to confirm my remaining PT sessions so I can work out the alternatives to some BC exercises I am restricted to doing. Im thinking I may need an outdoor PT bootcamp session before a week on Sunday.

Im traveling in a few days and I will most certainly be packing my gym stuff, moreseo cos next to the hotel there is a Virgin gym which is supposed to be excellent. I need to really warm up over the coming 12 days! OFC Im on a mission . HUGE thanks to Zaid so far who has been a great support enabling me to focus 2 times a week to doing more than I would in my own, just by booking my time in with you forces me to show up. So thanks you!

Til next time, some more inspiring stories :
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2016483/The-Biggest-Loser-How-mother-Staci-Bridwell-lost-200lb-year.html

18 July - The Cinema Challenge

I was ill on the way to work today, the kind of pull-over-on-the-hard-shoulder kind of ill! I ended up back home for a speedy recovery, I cant possibly have a sick day JUST as I commence a new job!!! I eventually did a half day and managed to catch up.

A few hours kip again and I was heading to my planned Harry Potter Gold Class. I was hungry so I packed some emergency strawberries and almonds. However I forgot how fab gold class is - greek salad all the way and I was feeling great. large diet coke to fill me up, score. I gave in and ordered a small caramel popcorn but I made a deal with myself. I didnt want to deprive myself, going to watch a movie was half about the movie and the other half about the popcorn, and I cant do the salt popcorn. I dont like it and Im sure it wouldnt be too great for the high blood pressure.

The deal was I would behave normal and not resort to old behaviours. I knew if I deprived myself I would only think of an overseating menu, have one of my "black out" moments and come back from la la land after the McDonalds, chocolate binge or worse! So the compromise was a normal caramel popcorn, enjoy it, behave myself and work extra hard over the week ahead to burn it off the NORMAL way!

Interestingly, I went shopping for suitcases. I needed some new ones. I had calculated that I wasted approx AED50 per day on over eating and wasted healthy food that I didnt eat that I bought and put in the fridge before being thrown in the bin. And this is the conservative estimate - AED 1500. My 2 new suitcases cost me AED 1400 and will be a daily reminder to not waste any more on unnecessary foods, I may aswell have been throwing out a AED50 note in the rubbish bag and save myself some time and effort!

So here are my daily reminders of my old wasted behaviours to remind me they are now gone and this is my new fab, funky, bright, sparkling and positive new life and future :

Im very amused that my new life is reflected in a pair of bright pink matching suitcases! If only life was as simple as a suitcase. Maybe I can pack away all my behavioural baggage and zip it up in my old suitcases that will be duly binned at the weekend.....? I will be doing my best for sure.

I left the mall, headed home, didnt feel the need to grab something unhealthy just "cos I can". I went to bed a little later than planned, but with a lighter head. Im writing my food diary, and its working. One day at a time.

Now, who can beat my bright coloured suitcases in the styleeeee stakes??? Go on, I challenge you!

17 July - What is pizzazz??

I didnt stab Lucy yet the voodoo way, but I need to do that tonight. Soon, before I go to bed and another day passes. At least then I can officially hang her off my keyring, though Im sure she will become a bit of a conversation piece.

I tried to find my own little bit of pizzazz today so I focused on work. I didnt drink enough water, I was too busy concentrating on work! I resisted sooo many of my daily temptations that encourage all the bad behaviours which I have had since at least my early teens, if not before. If I could close my eyes and my thoughts whenever I felt weak, that would be great. If only ....

I ended up eating a salad at 630pm and another one at 930pm, in between far too many almonds. But Ive had worse sessions of overeating and can think of many worse foods than Sumo Salads.

I tried to go for a walk but the exercise Zaid got me to do yesterday for my weak right butt cheek has resulted in a lot of pain, back where the original pain started after the injections, so Im hoping that this will not get any worse. Its hopefully going to be better in the morning after a goods night sleep. Ah sleep, thats what Ive been getting more of these last few days. Thats my reward, I love my bed, I love sleeping.

Im tired today, so before I sleep here are a few inspiring stories I found today on the Daily Mail - I hope they leave this poor guy alone, he has achieved so much yet people still find reasons to criticise. Appalling!
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2015301/My-Name-Is-Earl-star-Ethan-Suplee-reveals-effects-dramatic-200lb-weight-loss.html

Some good advice and massive whoop whoop to my idol, Dawn French who, like me, is not in this for the fad diet and quick results, its a lifechanging lifestyle choice :
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2015429/Sorry-Pauline-Quirke-WILL-weight-says-Dr-Ellie-Cannon.html

So, salad is ready and chopped in the fridge ready for my day in another office. My apple is ready, strawberries too if I decide to have that over cereal when I wake up. Tomorrow is all about the WATER WATER WATER!

16 July - I love Lucy

Day No 2, reasonably normal except for the inner thoughts and conversations. How many personalities DO I have inside this head of mine!?!

I have to try and stop being alone, especially for dinners in the evenings, but quite frankly I cant stand the though of being away from home every day of the week. The odd evening is nice and sociable and enjoyable. Yet the older I get the more I want to become a recluse, and stay with me and the kitties. And there we have it - I DO need to get out more.

Seeing a dietician one night, a PT trainer on 2 other days and a psychologist now on another day, really isnt opening up the social opportunities Im looking for. Yet they are going to remain an essential aspect on a weekly basis for some time. How long is a piece of string again??

However, today I survived a 2nd day of my new beginning. Last night and today wasnt without some anxious moments, or some temptations, and I dont think Ive suddenly got strength to resist temptation yet, merely a slice of my own self imposed big brother. Though the pot of yoghurt WAS as tempting as its going to get in my pad!!

Its also been a eve of major change. Ive just deleted everything that was my exBF, and someone who has been an EX for far too long now and who has taken advantage of me on too many occasions. Being even distant "mates" with him on and off and more whenever he was feeling sorry for himself, was THE biggest toxic negativity that has been surrounding my life and future sanity for a long time. The detox has commenced and will continue for a while yet, but soon the detox will be completed. At the end of the detox is my goal, and this will be something good for me. Now is that a 1 week or 2 week detox ....?

Im thankful I have some wonderful friends, and I need to make more time doing great things with them. In the background I need to regain my confidence and self worth (I just watched Sarah "Fergie" Fergusson be interviewed on Oprah and one point she asked her therapist "where can I find myself some self worth, how do I get it"?) so that I can go back to the true sociable, happy me - the one that doesnt have to put the face on to the world to pretend that she is that person.

Im even more grateful for the lovely LL, who bought me my willpower today, sadly I forgot about this willpower until I had finished the whole pot of coconut yoghurt - damn those carbs! So time to get her out of her box. Let me introduce you to Ms Lucy Willpower, Im about to voodoo her with a needle (perhaps dont ask about that one ....) :

Thanks LL, Im hoping Lucy will keep me focused, the will to go on, the will power to say NO. Just say No, said Zammo from Grange Hill, how odd that came up in conversation last week too.

"Lucy will help me to resist the temptation of those naughty indulgences I so often crave. Lucy has a strong will and never gives up ... she believes in taking control of my own life ... Lucy possesses a positive mindset that is intensely contagious. A few minutes spent with Lucy will charge me with enthusiasm and pizzazz ... Lucy practises lots of power yoga. Shes a sparkling friend who'll give me a good kick up the behind" which Im presuming is on behalf of LL who cant be around all the time. Thanks LL, I love Lucy

15 July - Normal for just one day

The start of a new chapter, a new era, a new beginning for a such an important part of my life. Friday, the weekend, no lie in for me. I slept late, I got too busy when I woke but I eventually made it for my 10am session with Zaid. As I had damaged my back during the week, the session was adapted to this. I stopped taking the meds yesterday lunchtime so I would be able to feel the pain and any possible strain during the weekend sessions.

Zaid guided me around the machines, and we used them all bar 2. I do love the abs one, it works without straining my back or my neck (I really havent learned yet how to do crunches properly and sit ups are off the agenda possibly to remain that way too if I listen to my physio well). Using one of the machines was for a stretch I would normally do bending forward, Im still amazed at the machines that have been created for the fitness world to cater for people with injuries - maybe not on purpose but the end result is the same. The TRX stuff is fab, even at the end there was a stretch Zaid showed me that pulled my back like the old fashioned torture stretching machines, one I personally prefer when I have back problems. Lovely.

Im still getting lots of cramps, but I know what these are possibly connected to, one of several reasons to be honest. The sharpness of a cramp in my right leg (the damaged one) often wakes me in the morning and I have been advised a new bed is in order. The memory type mattress is the No 1 option at the moment but its so expensive. I need to start saving unless I can time the purchase around some sales. And I do have some holidays to pay for first .....

When I got home, I found myself in the kitchen. Again. For the 3rd time in so many days. I used to love being in the kitchen, cooking up something for the family (portion size usually equates to 5 people ...). Im mostly using the lean mean grilling machine, and just chopping salads and chillies, but its a start. However the flavours I have managed to throw together are amazing. And Im impressing myself on a daily basis. OK 3 daily basises are not huge I know, but its a start and a move in the right direction. This means no take away calls and orders and over eatings, and means I use up the food I have bought instead of the usual chucking out (3 punnets of strawberries last week, what a waste!!) and I eat more veggies and healthier foods all round.

This morning it was sooo time for a healthy version of a fry up. Grilled pork meat balls, grilled bacon and some creative scrambled eggs in the microwave - 2 eggs, some low fat milk, one chopped green chilli, one grilled chopped small onion and some chopped feta cheese - lower carbs and fats than my usual cheddars. I have to say even for myself, that was a fabulous brekkie and one to be repeated. Low carbs, reduced fat and calories but increased protein, something I usually dont eat enough of. During the time I was preparing brekkie (actually more like brunch as I cant eat before morning exercise), I thought lots about what I needed to do. This was a day for decluttering and cleaning. I choose my bedroom so I could create a place for calm and to encourage improved sleeping.

I had a ball, everything was out of the room (except the bed), cleaned and put back again. I found more clothes to throw out, a bag of clothes that I had saved to take to the tailors to have the items taken in as they were too big. Sod it, Im going to be buying brand new clothes and having suits made to measure when I reach my targets. So out they went, the bathing suits and sarongs were also detoxed. All the time thinking about other areas to be equally detoxed. Pictures are now on one side waiting to be framed and then hung on m walls, some have never been hung since they were bought when I moved to the sandpit several years ago. Then the music was connected, so out it blasted whilst I had a shower and made myself feel clean and all sparkly again. I wasnt going anywhere, I had some movies and recorded programmes to watch and some salad to prepare for dinner, but most important I was focusing on my first day of being and feeling "normal" after last nights session.

My version of normal may differ from yours or someone elses, but for me I achieved it. I had an apple at 4pm, something I have grown to love and crave when I told myself I couldnt cos they were high in carbs. When I stopped myself eating the apple I then went beyond the cravings and ate all the foods that were so far beyond carb free and at lots of it. So having the apple and stopping the cravings and therefore the stuff that comes after that, didint seem so bad after all. And they say an apple a day ... shame, I should really be meeting some nice handsome single Drs!!

Dinner was a scrumptious part planned chicken and crispy bacon chilli salad - there are always chillies in my salads and the low carb chill and pepper sauce. I will be needing some more of that soon though Im going to compare carb counting with the usual chilli sauces before I do go back and purchase. Not that I dont believe what it says on the bottle, but now I know more about reading labels I just need to reassure myself.

I avoided some usual bad habits and behaviours today though I did have a celebratory white wine and diet lemonade after a successfully normal trip to the shops to get some water. Im going to pat myself on the back for today. And trust me when I say I have taken some huge steps for myself today. Keeping a food diary is interesting, Ive become my own big brother.

An early night as Ive eaten at a "normal" time today, 630pm. I have a 9am PT session with Zaid and then i have a busy hectic day ahead. In fact, Im looking forward to coming home and eating my salad that is already prepared in my fridge (chilies to be freshly chopped of course). Feta cheese or lamb. MMmm the choice is mine. I might even have another wine to celebrate more normality.

In fact, what is normal for me?

14 July - My lips are sealed

End of the week, the weekend is pending. I survived my 1st day without my support/handover and looking forward to the next weeks and months ahead.

But first, there was my special appointment, my last piece of the jigsaw. An now its done, there isn't a lot I want to say, only I recommend anyone else who struggles with the their weight, dysfunctional relationship or thoughts with food, emotional reliance on food, control issues over food, any eating disorders and just about anything negative or abnormal (use your own definitions), to see a counsellor or psychologist, someone who can assess, advise and change your behaviours.

As soon as I started to talk and explain why I was there, the tears flowed and didnt stop much for 2hrs. Except when we were talking about cats! I have some homework, and Ive never been this honest with anyone in my life. More important, I have never been as honest with myself than I was for those 2 hours. 2hours that sped past like 30 minutes. There is no magic wand, no special potion, no clever formula as I, like many people, am a complicated and unique creature. It took me 6 months to find this person, a lot of research and reading but it was worth it.

I truly believe now that there is a reason why it took so long to get the final jigsaw. I have more knowledge about nutrition for a permanent change to my food for my future lifestyle. I have introduced exercise as something that can be enjoyable and can be fitted into my lifestyle and a place where I can meet some great new people who can support and help way beyond the actual health and fitness. Now this is the part then enables me and allows me to make sense of it all and just do it. This is still the biggest aspect holding me back from being successful at being me, at losing the fat (not chewing it!!), getting fit, prolonging my life, lower my BP, reducing the risk of cancers, osteo related illnesses and any other illness or disability that has been hanging over my head for far too long.

Its not simple, its not easy and its not an overnight solution. I know I wont be adding too many details about my sessions on here, or chatting too much to my friends (those reading here or not), as somethings are just too personal, even for the chatterbox.

I look forward to the next chapter and the eventual glueing of my jigsaw piece. One day I may write about it all so I can help others. Let the lights be switched on, superbowl styleee!

13 July - And Im feeling good

The new job is going well, the last day of my handover. After today, Im on my own and looking forward to it. A few snippets of The Secret and Im glowing with positivity, and Im beginning to realise that tomorrows sessions is within reach. My triangle (I did like that part in music class though what a useless instrument really...), is nearly complete, though once its competed it will need lots of reinforcing.

I was reminded last night by MissA that I focus on the negatives more than the positives. Over the last 3 weeks I had forgotten the positives and the good things I had done, that may have contributed only to a 1kg loss and not. More. I invested in my PT sessions with Zaid and completed at least 4 of them. I started walking with some neighbours and I did try to be as healthy and low carbs when I could during the days.

So now I know I can and I do, now to fix and make the necessary improvements to change my life forever for good and never to forget again.

12 July -" Aaaahhh not so bad"

Answers on a postcard if you know the name of the Sheffield filmed movie that quote is taken from.

Tuesday. D Day. Andy. Ziad cancelled. Wasnt so bad, even after tea and cakes with MissA before the weigh in. 1kg gained in 3 weeks and 3 weeks of slippery sliding back to my old ways and more. Whatever I was doing before (the positive stuff with Andy) has obviously been of a help, maybe something to do with the metabolism, maybe to do with my system knowing its getting regular nutrition - at least during daylight hours!!

The only negative of the day was I pulled my back out. Again. I needed painkillers. AED200 later I had my Neurontin and Panadol Extra. Wasnt going to be long til my back wasnt so painful. What an idiot I was, I sat on my office chair, leant forward to the floor and plugged in my laptop. Stupid stupid stupid. Its so easy to be careful and NOT bend forward when there is no pain. Anyway, Im stocked up again on the meds that work, not that I had shortage supply, only they were at home.

1hr later I was flying high chit chatting with the buzzing birds. I also forgot how they make me feel a bit crazy, only last time I was alone at home taking the meds. This time I was with 4 other people and I dont think I shut up. More than usual...

But I didnt care, a 1kg gain over 3 weeks is something I can live with and deal with. Roll on next week, a bonus as its one of the ladies last week before her holidays and she has a target to achieve. Me, Ive been given a new target by LL, 92kgs by 19 August. Oh, go on, OK then!

11 July - D Day tomorrow

D meaning - dreaded day, diet-weigh-in-day, detox (to restart) day, dumb-ass-I-have-been-the-last-3-weeks day!

3 weeks since the last weigh in which saw me drop udner 100kgs, somehow the last 3 weeks seems a long time ago. Ive reverted back to several (not all) of my old bad habits. Not drinking enough water. "Treating" myself to food as a reward, drinking more alcohol, 2 all inclusive buffets and just being stupid. Takeaways alone at home, not good!

BUT Im not giving up, I was thinking about avoiding the weighin, but that only delays the inevitable. I need to see the scales and hear the number read out to kick my ass back into shape. I need to be angry with myself for going back over the 100 again. But it will only be a temporary set back.

Straight after I am heading for a PT session with Zaid, and I need to in him down, sit on him if I have to, to get the dates in his diary for July. If I know the dates and times I will feel better, I cant go from day to day, week to week not having plans in place, otherwise this makes me even less disiplined and uinfocused and therefore encourages me to move back towards the old me, and I didnt like her.

Today I entered the Zumba and Yoga classes at FF into my diary, so every day I can see a class and encourage me to attend. Or to go and use the gym even, that might be an idea! I need to get back into meeting friends at the gym or for walking as I do better when Im not alone. In fact its against H&S rules for me to be alone at the moment. 3 words - Loss Of Control. I need to get some...

Still, I have Thursday evenings appointment to look forward, the final jigsaw piece. And the new job is going well and I can now see a way to get back to my old preparing and eating, but still socialising with the peeps at work, they are amusing, but I cant do takeaway lunch every day!

Im off to be to read "Positive Shrinking" - everythings worth trying once, twice if I like it! Shame Mr Laye is in the UK! But if you want to buy it ..... http://www.amazon.co.uk/Positive-Shrinking-Change-Relationship-Forever/dp/1848501862

11 July - Seriously .....!!

http://gulfnews.com/news/world/uk/shampoo-could-make-you-fat-1.837149

Seriously? Someone spent either tax payer or investors cash on this research? Idiots, that would have paid for my liposuction trip to Thailand!!!

7 July - Let the weekend commence ... Nice

Ive had a great, positive start to my new job. One week in and Im happy to go back again next week. After next week, the real job kicks in and looking forward to making a difference. A fab bunch of people, a nice place to work, some decent work to do. Nice.

Tonight I walked for miles. A friend is currently in labour so I commenced my baby shopping early. 3hrs later and Ive walked the whole of Mirdif City Centre, in flat shoes, my feet are going to hurt tomorrow. I re-discovered Sumo Salad, and shame they dont have delivery service : )! Im happy I moved my ass for a while, better than sitting it on the sofa in front of the weeks Holby City. Nice

Im looking forward to a weekend away with LL and meeting up with some of her friends and there is a beach involved somewhere too, nice. Im packing my trainers and gym gear, need to move more of this ass when in the company of LL! It will be good for me, a healthy-ish weekend away, drinking champagne (low carbs) and eating healthy and doing some exercise. fast walking along the beach, some sunbathing, some reading, chilling, relaxing, laughing and having some fun. This week has been a turning point career and sanity wise. Next week is the next step. This weekend is my reminder that life is good NOW and will continue this way. Nice

Sunday I can start my week with more PT with Zaid, my weighin with Andy (who will be himself detoxing off the Guinness by the sounds of it ....), and getting back to preparing my food again - no more daily lunches though I will allow myself to drink diet drinks (low carb) and water when its lunchtime and resort to eating my salad and my 5 small meals a day at my desk. There is even a lovely seated quiet area in the building lobby where I can sit and read my books, and take time out for lunch during the day. Nice.

What a great word - nice! Wishing you all a pleasant, attractive and satisfying weekend. Im making it an active, positive and happy one. x

7 July - Early Weekend Inspirational Stories/News

Go Girl!
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2011458/Beauty-queen-Bree-Boyce-22-went-230lb-bikini-babe-Miss-America.html

Well done Allie!
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2011404/Allie-McCormack-13-dubbed-Fatzilla-bullies-loses-3-stone-CWM-Health-camp.html

Something to do in hot and humid Dubai during summer and Ramadan:
http://gulfnews.com/sport/other-sports/all-set-for-dubai-sports-world-1.829653#.ThTExT6kKTc.facebook

5 July - Give me more

OK, so I wasnt exactly excited about my 9pm PT session with the lovely Zaid, but I got there, just. As much as Im definitely not a morning exerciser, Im now thinking Im not a late evening one either. Is there going to be my perfect time?

I was supposed to be exercising every day this week, but Ive had "stuff" to do each day this week, one of them was my trip to the movies to see Transformers 3, coooooool movie, though the grown up version of Cars 3. Then there was the photos for my new visa, food shopping, supplement shopping ..... busy busy. But still, Tuesday evening 9pm, gyming it!

I am happy to report I found a machine I like, not cos its easy but cos it works, and its a machine thats for my abs that also supports my back. Thanks Zaid, trial and error, we got the abs plan in place! I also discovered that the "buggered" part of my leg appears to be my right hamstring, the connection between my brain telling the muscle to work and the muscle working is not .. erm .. connected. It doesnt work when I want it to, but now I know, Zaid will help get it working again. Lots of leg work, always the squats (least no burpees : ) ....!). Ok, I enjoyed the session tonight, just a little bit now!

And now Im on the vitamin B combination - Neurobuin or something like that .... and also Ive got some super mega Omega 3 supplements, and a 2 week herbal detox, all I need now is to eat healthy enough to have a loss next Tuesday with Andy. Ive not beenn eating well, the last week has been difficult with my new job, but Ive really enjoyed lunch breaks with a bunch of funny and cool and normal people. Ive had some salads (in between the bad stuff) but its costing a small daily fortune. I need a rich boyfriend to support this new lifestyle, or just a nice looking, kind and generous chef who likes to cook for me!

Ok back to reality, next session is Sunday evening! In the meantime, the rest of the week, a quick weekend away in RAK, then 2nd week in my fab new job. Bring on jeans Thursday tomorrow, whoop, already chosen a nice smart jacket to go with them. And another nice fitting moment, especially since the jacket never really fitted before. Roll on 14th July, for the last jigsaw piece, counting down the days now.

Now my legs REALLY ache ..... time for bed. Night x

2 July - I will try anything twice ...

... more if I like it. Apparently, as it says on my tshirt I wore today. 9am session with Zaid, 2nd morning of the month. 2 days is an improvement on 1 day.

Im really not a morning person, never mind a morning exercising person. I ate some almonds and drank some water on my way to the gym, hoping I wouldnt feel sick again after the hours session. I quite liked the gym that Zaid uses, people go there to do exercise and positivity, not for posing and comparing bits and outfits to each other, its refreshing. And I like it. And worth the 30 minute drive from the "dark side".

It was a tough session, moreso because there was alcohol in my system. Just doing the bike for 15 mins made me sweat those toxins out. The difference is doing the exercises with a PT compared to doing it alone, is I dont give up when the pain kicks in. When the pain kicks in (the burning muscles nothing crippling!), I would usually stop or lower the levels, instead Zaid increases the levels and ensures I dont give up and I keep going. For the full session, or the for the full amount of reps. We tried the leg machine, using just the right weak leg - using the machine with both legs would mean I would have used my stronger leg more and therefore the weak leg would not get pushed.

However, by the end of the session I was glad it was done, though I did feel like I enjoyed it. I did feel sick again but this time I had to shower and change before dashing to the garage for breakfast. 20mins later I was eating a chicken sandwich (brown bread, even though its higher in carbs!) and Pocari Sweat drink. Off to the spa I went. 2hours later I emerged glowing, then had a 45 minute physio/dry needling session - THAT should have come before the spa, its the most stressful and horrible 45mins to endure. The needle marks would be there for the next 24hours, back and right bumcheek! Oucha

Our deep sea fishing trip was cancelled, so we had time for a late lunch. I was told off by Zaid as he thought I had said I was having "fish and chips" , when I said our "fishing trip" was cancelled .. but I did in fact end up eating salmon and chips for lunch. Oops re the chips!!

Time for some chilled out time with MrsT and her lovely family, then time for home. What a fabulous 3 day weekend, I achieved 2 morning PT sessions, thats new! Now time for something new again tomorrow, my new job : ). Tata for now xx

1 July - Go get 'em month

Ive just remembered someone told me years ago that the first thing I should say at the beginning of a new month is "white rabbit, white rabbit, white rabbit". Anyone? Just me again then ....

However those were not my first spoken words today, the 1st of a new month. It was "morning Zaid". Whoever thought those words would be spoken by me at 930am on a Friday morning. Yes, morning! It was a struggle as I didnt get to sleep til late (again, as always) and the PT session was nearly delayed til Saturday. LL, I said nearly!

I warmed up on the bicycle (the one where Im sat with straight back rather than bending my back forward), and then moved on to a variety of moves using the TRX (I want one, its for home and it travels too!), weights, step, some of the machines for arms and right leg and that bouncy ball thingy. Squats were still hard, so I need to do more and more. But I do like them actually. Weird thought! Exercising my right leg did make it a bit wobbly at times, but Im presuming this is a good sign. Regardless, it has to get strong over the next 4 weeks, it needs to be ready for my return to bootcamp for Sun 31 July. Outside bootcamp that is too, darkness thankfully as its the month of Ramadan, and the hottest month of the year, nevermind the highest humidity, so why am I doing this again? Ah yes, 95kgs MINIMUM by 19 August. Sky Diving in Mauritius : )

It was a good session, Zaid is working around my back problems/weakness and my weak right leg. Ive got exercises from him and my physio that will ensure I continue to improve daily and moving forward. Hoping that these combined will bring back my right foot and toes too so I can get more balance and get back into some small heels. Though I think I will need to practice wearing heels again just like I did when I was younger.

Towards the end of the session, with the stretches I began to feel sick. I kept it together but I had to have something in my stomach. I didnt eat breakfast before hand, was too early. But Ive learnt my lesson today and will make sure next time I have at least a Pocari Sweat and some walnuts even if its still early and I dont feel like eating. I didnt like that sicky feeling, yuck.

I dashed home to get changed and ready for brunch, knowing that I had done something positive to erase what I was about to eat and drink. And I felt even better knowing that I have another session with Zaid tomorrow at 9am! Pre brunch to get my metabolism kick started. Apres brunch for a detox. And thats the last alcohol to be consumed until Mauritius holidays. Well at least til the Dubai Emirates departure lounge!

So for a 2nd day in a row my first words will be "morning Zaid". Followed by 2hrs in the spa with LL (not together, just at the same time!), followed by my last physio session until I get approval from my new medical insurance, followed by some nice lunch - will be hank marvin by then. Shame our deep sea fishing trip has been cancelled though, was looking forward to it. But now that gives me time to go shopping and get my snacks ready for next week, my first week in my new job. It looks like I have some social working lunches, however, I will ensure I have my breakfast at home (9am start is more me and civilised), mid morning snack and afternoon snack. It will be difficult til I get settled into the new role, routine and I am not at the mercy of an induction plan. But THE biggest saviour will be finishing at 5pm. I will be packing my gym clothes for my car so I can head straight to Fitness First on the way home. I am DETERMINED to do some exercise every day of the week and have at least 1 session per week with Zaid at the weekend.

This is July. This is my month. Time to get back some control. 14th July will be my final jigsaw piece and major turning point, and I will let you know about this when the date arrives. The hardest and possibly most complicated but in the end, I am hoping the easiest jigsaw piece, that has the biggest impact on my weight loss, healthy lifestyle and fitness routine. Stay tuned : ). Night night for now xx