Im doing good. In fact Im doing better than good. I had an amazing weekend with the girlies, followed by a fantastico 4 days in Mauritius for 4 days last weekend for LL's birthday. You cant beat perfect holidays to boost the happy hormones.
Ive returned to my psychologist - I had missed 2 sessions, mostly based on the fact I hadnt done my "homework" which was omitting to complete my food diaries. Ive been reminded its as important if not more important that anything at this time, and it wont be forever, but I do know it has to be a daily habit. I dont like carrying the paper around with me, they are very personal and its not something I would want slipping out of my diary or being found on my desk, so Ive got creative. Each day I write what I eat, when, where and how Im feeling etc in my phone and I can transfer to the sheets whenever I want - Thank you Notes! Ive also signed up to www.mytrainerbob.com so that I can keep an online record which is also fun and full of daily tips, video blogs and advice. And I just love Bob Harper and Jillian Michaels from The Biggest Loser, so thats no hardship.
Now, the Biggest Loser - I really do wish they would do one in Dubai for fat expats like me! Just think of the challenges, the outdoor activities, the prizes and reward that could be won! I believe there is an arabic version called The Biggest Winner (a handy interpretation, similar to Pamper my Car instead of Pimp Up my Ride!!) but I dont understand it. There should be an expat one too since we make up the biggest share of the population! At least it would be good publicity for Dubai, and it would look good as the sun shines 99% of the time. Any takers? Pick me?
I have shed more tears watching The Biggest Loser than I did watching Oprah. Oprah has finished and I havent seen any re-runs yet (phew), but TBL is a daily recording that I am addicted to watching. I find it inspirational but sometimes sad, positive yet scary, and makes me believe in myself more and more. Im at the first of 2 parts of the final, and everyone looks fantastic. To have lost their weight I will be the happiest lady in this planet. I can do anything ...
And I can do anything. In fact I can do it twice (so my tshirt tells me). I did my 2nd tandem skydive in Mauritius - despite a 1.5hr drive to think about it, over analyse it, imagine it, and cause anxious levels to reach ridiculous levels - I still got in that weeny aircraft, waved bye to LL as she disappeared into the clouds. I didnt have time to think about it, the french man who I was strapped to and whose lap I was close to crushing, was inching with me towards the open door at 10,000ft. As soon as my legs were hanging out kicking those rain clouds, it was a breeze. Literally, a rush of breeze at 120km/hr (or something like that). OMG, I loved it. I just need to stop thinking before I get there, though i know I will be much more relaxed and in control once Ive completed by AFF course, followed by 8 jumps .. but thats something for 2012!
In the meantime, Ive got some self image issues to deal with. At my session this week with my psychologist, I was in control of my emotions until I had a major aha moment - I measure and evaluate my life based on my weight, size and how I look. And I dont like what I see in a mirror. The only mirrors I have are permanent fixtures in my bathrooms or the size of my hand and kept safe in my makeup bag. I dont like seeing my reflection in a mirror, or a shop window and I definitely dont like those nasty mirrors in changing rooms - the only time I get to see what Im trying to avoid and ignore. But its time to look in the mirror though Im not rushing to Ikea to get their largest free standing offering! When I started to think about what I see, I lost it, the tears flowed and I surprised myself they came so fast. However, it was a good sign to let me understand so that I can move forward. Ive got some homework to do and its going to involve a pie chart - damn that means more Ms Excel!
On holiday, LL kept telling me I looked good in my evening outfits. I had bought a new very fitted white and grey dress, it was really fitted for me and although it was good to see my reflection when looking in the mirror whilst holding my belly in and pushing my shoulders back, I knew that I couldnt maintain that pose for more than, what ... a few mins, 3 mins tops on a good day!? And sitting down knowing all my bellies were clear to everyone, and then there was the food to eat and champagne to drink. However, after dinner I had my photo taken overlooking the pool (away from people watching ..) and I had to admit to myself (and LL of course, yes she was right), I did look OK, in fact I looked good in that dress. I find it really hard to see the difference although I can still feel the change in the clothes Im wearing, I wore the shorts I bought in the sale that didnt fit a month ago, I wore a dress that didnt fit 6 months ago that I also bought in the sale - AED35 to be exact! I have to keep reminding myself of how much I have achieved.
The part holding me back in my head, is that its not good enough, Im not there yet, Im struggling to continue, its hard to stay motivated and on track. So the quote I saw a few days ago that I really liked is the title of todays blog. In turning around and will keep turning around until I find my way, until I reach my destination (dear lord, thats got to be the corniest thing Ive ever said).
I also need to acknowledge at least one of the emails and conversations Ive had with friends, friends of friends and some strangers who have contacted me since Ive opened myself up to this public blog. Im going to quote a beautiful lady, and I hope she doesnt mind me quoting her email to me (and will remain anonymous but you know who you are). Reading her email last week brought a tear to my eye and I need to keep reading her lovely email to remind me of who I am :
" ...I have been reading your blog this afternoon - 21 July is so sad. Although I'm feeling poorly I did well up (very unlike me!) and felt like I could really relate to those feelings - the ones that nobody talks about. I always feel like the fat, old one whenever I'm out and especially in a place like Dubai! It is the alcohol which makes most people (me) feel good, gives confidence and makes everything better. When I rarely stay off the drink I find my friends to be loud, embarrassing, extremely repetitive, annoying and I can't wait to get home. There is a moral somewhere here but all I know is you look great, you are very funny, kind and considerate and so much fun..."
Thankyou, you made my day and reminded me Im OK, Im not a failure and I am getting there, and I will succeed. To end this REALLY long blog entry, I want to acknowledge my dad - known as "Papa Meldrew"; he has stopped telling me some things since, just in case I quote him on this blog, but to further remind myself even further that I am well into my journey Im going to quote his words in response to the same blog entry :
Ive returned to my psychologist - I had missed 2 sessions, mostly based on the fact I hadnt done my "homework" which was omitting to complete my food diaries. Ive been reminded its as important if not more important that anything at this time, and it wont be forever, but I do know it has to be a daily habit. I dont like carrying the paper around with me, they are very personal and its not something I would want slipping out of my diary or being found on my desk, so Ive got creative. Each day I write what I eat, when, where and how Im feeling etc in my phone and I can transfer to the sheets whenever I want - Thank you Notes! Ive also signed up to www.mytrainerbob.com so that I can keep an online record which is also fun and full of daily tips, video blogs and advice. And I just love Bob Harper and Jillian Michaels from The Biggest Loser, so thats no hardship.
Now, the Biggest Loser - I really do wish they would do one in Dubai for fat expats like me! Just think of the challenges, the outdoor activities, the prizes and reward that could be won! I believe there is an arabic version called The Biggest Winner (a handy interpretation, similar to Pamper my Car instead of Pimp Up my Ride!!) but I dont understand it. There should be an expat one too since we make up the biggest share of the population! At least it would be good publicity for Dubai, and it would look good as the sun shines 99% of the time. Any takers? Pick me?
I have shed more tears watching The Biggest Loser than I did watching Oprah. Oprah has finished and I havent seen any re-runs yet (phew), but TBL is a daily recording that I am addicted to watching. I find it inspirational but sometimes sad, positive yet scary, and makes me believe in myself more and more. Im at the first of 2 parts of the final, and everyone looks fantastic. To have lost their weight I will be the happiest lady in this planet. I can do anything ...
And I can do anything. In fact I can do it twice (so my tshirt tells me). I did my 2nd tandem skydive in Mauritius - despite a 1.5hr drive to think about it, over analyse it, imagine it, and cause anxious levels to reach ridiculous levels - I still got in that weeny aircraft, waved bye to LL as she disappeared into the clouds. I didnt have time to think about it, the french man who I was strapped to and whose lap I was close to crushing, was inching with me towards the open door at 10,000ft. As soon as my legs were hanging out kicking those rain clouds, it was a breeze. Literally, a rush of breeze at 120km/hr (or something like that). OMG, I loved it. I just need to stop thinking before I get there, though i know I will be much more relaxed and in control once Ive completed by AFF course, followed by 8 jumps .. but thats something for 2012!
In the meantime, Ive got some self image issues to deal with. At my session this week with my psychologist, I was in control of my emotions until I had a major aha moment - I measure and evaluate my life based on my weight, size and how I look. And I dont like what I see in a mirror. The only mirrors I have are permanent fixtures in my bathrooms or the size of my hand and kept safe in my makeup bag. I dont like seeing my reflection in a mirror, or a shop window and I definitely dont like those nasty mirrors in changing rooms - the only time I get to see what Im trying to avoid and ignore. But its time to look in the mirror though Im not rushing to Ikea to get their largest free standing offering! When I started to think about what I see, I lost it, the tears flowed and I surprised myself they came so fast. However, it was a good sign to let me understand so that I can move forward. Ive got some homework to do and its going to involve a pie chart - damn that means more Ms Excel!
On holiday, LL kept telling me I looked good in my evening outfits. I had bought a new very fitted white and grey dress, it was really fitted for me and although it was good to see my reflection when looking in the mirror whilst holding my belly in and pushing my shoulders back, I knew that I couldnt maintain that pose for more than, what ... a few mins, 3 mins tops on a good day!? And sitting down knowing all my bellies were clear to everyone, and then there was the food to eat and champagne to drink. However, after dinner I had my photo taken overlooking the pool (away from people watching ..) and I had to admit to myself (and LL of course, yes she was right), I did look OK, in fact I looked good in that dress. I find it really hard to see the difference although I can still feel the change in the clothes Im wearing, I wore the shorts I bought in the sale that didnt fit a month ago, I wore a dress that didnt fit 6 months ago that I also bought in the sale - AED35 to be exact! I have to keep reminding myself of how much I have achieved.
The part holding me back in my head, is that its not good enough, Im not there yet, Im struggling to continue, its hard to stay motivated and on track. So the quote I saw a few days ago that I really liked is the title of todays blog. In turning around and will keep turning around until I find my way, until I reach my destination (dear lord, thats got to be the corniest thing Ive ever said).
I also need to acknowledge at least one of the emails and conversations Ive had with friends, friends of friends and some strangers who have contacted me since Ive opened myself up to this public blog. Im going to quote a beautiful lady, and I hope she doesnt mind me quoting her email to me (and will remain anonymous but you know who you are). Reading her email last week brought a tear to my eye and I need to keep reading her lovely email to remind me of who I am :
" ...I have been reading your blog this afternoon - 21 July is so sad. Although I'm feeling poorly I did well up (very unlike me!) and felt like I could really relate to those feelings - the ones that nobody talks about. I always feel like the fat, old one whenever I'm out and especially in a place like Dubai! It is the alcohol which makes most people (me) feel good, gives confidence and makes everything better. When I rarely stay off the drink I find my friends to be loud, embarrassing, extremely repetitive, annoying and I can't wait to get home. There is a moral somewhere here but all I know is you look great, you are very funny, kind and considerate and so much fun..."
Thankyou, you made my day and reminded me Im OK, Im not a failure and I am getting there, and I will succeed. To end this REALLY long blog entry, I want to acknowledge my dad - known as "Papa Meldrew"; he has stopped telling me some things since, just in case I quote him on this blog, but to further remind myself even further that I am well into my journey Im going to quote his words in response to the same blog entry :
"...
Have you written down all the positives in your life? Things like being self-sufficient, having good friends, having nice cats, eating healthily, keeping fit, losing weight more than putting it on, going to Mauritius, sky-diving again, nice family, your niece .....never write down a negative list. Keep adding nice events, like someone said thank you and meant it deeply, someone bought you a drink, someone gave a big smile and held a door open, doesn't need to be earth-shattering..."
I love you dad, thanks for being my inspiration and best friend, even if I dont tell you in these words (cos all Im going to get to is "just ask the oracle" or "you know Im right" - OK this time Im going to concede and let you have this one - ha ha). Who knew you would remain the everlasting hippy reaffirming the law of attraction!
No comments:
Post a Comment