Part of my food diary is to add more structure, though today I didnt have any, so I was a bit mad with myself for this. So Ive resolved to put the planning on hold until Saturday, to make time to plan the week ahead and especially my trave/rip. At my appointment last night I was honest about my fear and weaknesses that may cause negative actions and behaviours. So at the weekend I will plan ahead and make sure there are only positives.
Work was really, really busy and I managed to squeeze in a late sandwich after a very long meeting with my boss. I ended up in Costa and as lunch had gone ages ago, there wasnt much selection left. I opted for the rye bread toasted cheese and ham sandwich. And I didnt even worry about the carb count, all I was interested in was having a "meal". I ran out of apples (idiot I am ) so I had one of my emergency Atkins bars instead. And then I didnt drink enough water. If I didnt have to work as well as sort my life out, it would all be so very much easier. Lottery ticket - need to send more cash to dad to get that restarted, Ive got to be in it to win it :).
I left work a little late, and I needed to get home to get ready for a night out with LL and her friends; I really need to get out there again, get my confidence back, stop being alone at home and get my mojo back once and for all. I got home, had to do the usual cat litter chores, cat puke cleaning, fold away dry clothes and put on some new washing. Then I had time for me - quick shower and change. I planned ahead that I would wear my old fave purple top, with some jeans. I chose the new jeans I bought in the UK early May. A little frustrating but due to the dodgy leg and numb foot Im still in flat shoes, however this time they were my lovely textured purple velvet flats. I added some big purple eyeshadow and makeup and I was good to go. I felt good but a little apprehensive as I wasnt hiding behind layers and bigger clothes. I had my shoulders out, but that was OK as Im feeling this is the most noticeable change. I wasnt sure I wold be confident in a top that didnt hide my belly and bum however I didnt have time to think about it, I had to get in that car. In the car to LLs, I was singing to my music, Ministry of Sound rocks.
I picked up LL and 2 of her mates and we headed out. It was a nice night, was nice to meet some new people, but I really felt out of place. I felt I was burden on LL. It wasnt really much to do with not drinking though there were some comments and amazed people when they realised I wasnt drinking - so nothing has really changed in that area of the social scene. I havent been out in so long Ive really become an anti-smoker. I used to smoke socially until about 7 years ago but it never bothered me this much before. Maybe its a sign I should move back to the Uk where smokers have no choice, rain or otherwise, to smoke outside. Ive turned into a nightmare! I tried to be good when it came to choosing my food. No salads. The healthier options were fish related and I have to be in a really fishy mood to eat it. So I opted for the cheese and cold cuts and some veggies on the side. It was nice food, but perhaps more cheese than I would have wished for. Yet there was still thin crisp breads. I still ate them, they were nice, I am normal tonight.
The girls were having a good time and laughing lots, and I began to wish I had been drinking too, at least to feel a little more relaxed, comfortable and confident. But all that diminished when I saw myself in the toilet mirror. I didnt like what I saw. now, I know I should have been over the moon that my newest jeans were big and not fitting, but not when I was wearing a shorter top than normal. This look was not flattering, then again with my belly and middle bits, not sure what look would be. Walking back to the girls I felt more out of place and I really wasnt happy. It was hitting 11pm and I would have gone home had it not been the fact I was there to try out LLs new fave bar, the bar where I will be supporting my adopted football team (theres a first!).
So, I went to the bar. OMG Ive definitely lost my mojo. I cant remember walking into a bar before and feeling frumpy and huge and just an oddball. I wish I had been drinking again. I wish I had some false confidence and silliness about me. Now I really felt a burden on LL and her friends were so lovely, but I lost all my confidence in myself and didnt know what to talk about or say. I had some water and then soon I was on my way home. As I walked to get my car, a young man said goodnight love, I shouted "night" back without looking back as I felt he was just taking the piss. I got in my car and started thinking thinking thinking. I wanted to shut of my thoughts but they were going nowhere. Had I ever enjoyed going out to bars and clubs? Yes there were a few times I had a great time and laughed lots, but were there more when I didnt? Was this my face taking over? Have I pretended to be an outgoing, bubbly happy person all this time? Have I pretended to enjoy going out drinking? I know I have never enjoyed going to a nightclub as I always feel like the odd one out, everyone else is so slim and fashionable and whatever I do to look good, never compares or comes to the same level of acceptance. I didnt have all the answers tonight. But I was gratfeul to be going out, and to LL and her friends for making me feel welcome. I just hope I didnt ruin the night for anyone.
There were a few tears, but I couldnt be bothered with self pity tonight, I just wanted to go to sleep. I had an Atkins choccie bar, wish I never bought them. At least I didnt stop off ant McDs on the way home. I avoided some old habits. I should be happy, but Im not. Uffffffffff gggrrrrrrr. Sleep please.
Work was really, really busy and I managed to squeeze in a late sandwich after a very long meeting with my boss. I ended up in Costa and as lunch had gone ages ago, there wasnt much selection left. I opted for the rye bread toasted cheese and ham sandwich. And I didnt even worry about the carb count, all I was interested in was having a "meal". I ran out of apples (idiot I am ) so I had one of my emergency Atkins bars instead. And then I didnt drink enough water. If I didnt have to work as well as sort my life out, it would all be so very much easier. Lottery ticket - need to send more cash to dad to get that restarted, Ive got to be in it to win it :).
I left work a little late, and I needed to get home to get ready for a night out with LL and her friends; I really need to get out there again, get my confidence back, stop being alone at home and get my mojo back once and for all. I got home, had to do the usual cat litter chores, cat puke cleaning, fold away dry clothes and put on some new washing. Then I had time for me - quick shower and change. I planned ahead that I would wear my old fave purple top, with some jeans. I chose the new jeans I bought in the UK early May. A little frustrating but due to the dodgy leg and numb foot Im still in flat shoes, however this time they were my lovely textured purple velvet flats. I added some big purple eyeshadow and makeup and I was good to go. I felt good but a little apprehensive as I wasnt hiding behind layers and bigger clothes. I had my shoulders out, but that was OK as Im feeling this is the most noticeable change. I wasnt sure I wold be confident in a top that didnt hide my belly and bum however I didnt have time to think about it, I had to get in that car. In the car to LLs, I was singing to my music, Ministry of Sound rocks.
I picked up LL and 2 of her mates and we headed out. It was a nice night, was nice to meet some new people, but I really felt out of place. I felt I was burden on LL. It wasnt really much to do with not drinking though there were some comments and amazed people when they realised I wasnt drinking - so nothing has really changed in that area of the social scene. I havent been out in so long Ive really become an anti-smoker. I used to smoke socially until about 7 years ago but it never bothered me this much before. Maybe its a sign I should move back to the Uk where smokers have no choice, rain or otherwise, to smoke outside. Ive turned into a nightmare! I tried to be good when it came to choosing my food. No salads. The healthier options were fish related and I have to be in a really fishy mood to eat it. So I opted for the cheese and cold cuts and some veggies on the side. It was nice food, but perhaps more cheese than I would have wished for. Yet there was still thin crisp breads. I still ate them, they were nice, I am normal tonight.
The girls were having a good time and laughing lots, and I began to wish I had been drinking too, at least to feel a little more relaxed, comfortable and confident. But all that diminished when I saw myself in the toilet mirror. I didnt like what I saw. now, I know I should have been over the moon that my newest jeans were big and not fitting, but not when I was wearing a shorter top than normal. This look was not flattering, then again with my belly and middle bits, not sure what look would be. Walking back to the girls I felt more out of place and I really wasnt happy. It was hitting 11pm and I would have gone home had it not been the fact I was there to try out LLs new fave bar, the bar where I will be supporting my adopted football team (theres a first!).
So, I went to the bar. OMG Ive definitely lost my mojo. I cant remember walking into a bar before and feeling frumpy and huge and just an oddball. I wish I had been drinking again. I wish I had some false confidence and silliness about me. Now I really felt a burden on LL and her friends were so lovely, but I lost all my confidence in myself and didnt know what to talk about or say. I had some water and then soon I was on my way home. As I walked to get my car, a young man said goodnight love, I shouted "night" back without looking back as I felt he was just taking the piss. I got in my car and started thinking thinking thinking. I wanted to shut of my thoughts but they were going nowhere. Had I ever enjoyed going out to bars and clubs? Yes there were a few times I had a great time and laughed lots, but were there more when I didnt? Was this my face taking over? Have I pretended to be an outgoing, bubbly happy person all this time? Have I pretended to enjoy going out drinking? I know I have never enjoyed going to a nightclub as I always feel like the odd one out, everyone else is so slim and fashionable and whatever I do to look good, never compares or comes to the same level of acceptance. I didnt have all the answers tonight. But I was gratfeul to be going out, and to LL and her friends for making me feel welcome. I just hope I didnt ruin the night for anyone.
There were a few tears, but I couldnt be bothered with self pity tonight, I just wanted to go to sleep. I had an Atkins choccie bar, wish I never bought them. At least I didnt stop off ant McDs on the way home. I avoided some old habits. I should be happy, but Im not. Uffffffffff gggrrrrrrr. Sleep please.
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